Having a laff, bad eyes and dirty thoughts

31 January

'Hello my darlings,' as Charlie Drake used to say. Charlie Drake, just one of a number of solo comedians who used to appear on the telly oh so long ago. I used like Charlie but mam and dad couldn't stand him so we didn't get to see him all that often. Two others spring to mind; Dick Emery and Benny Hill. I agreed with mam and dad that Emery was a waste of space and time. Benny Hill we all liked - sometimes, but always. He had his good and bad days. When he was good he was brilliant; when he was bad he really was bad. Three others we didn't like were Peter Sellers, Tony Hancock and Harry Worth. All three far too silly to laugh at!

What has made me write about them? Dunno ... just popped inta me ed as I sat down the 'puter to do this.

This morning Jan was at the Hussy for an follow up appointment over the possibility of glaucoma in her eyes. Happily she has been discharged and has no problems at all. I had to take her because they use drops that make your eyes sting and water like crazy and you're not allowed to drive straight after them. So on the way home we called into Asda for just a bit of shopping seeing as we are having my mate Kile for the weekend. He also wants to come next weekend too cos he doesn't like crowds in the house. That means that he will be with us for three weekends on the trot ... how will we survive ;-)))

Asda this morning ... I had done the shopping we needed and made my way out of the store back to car leaving Jan to go through the check out. I heard a clackclackclack behind me and watched as a young women, shorter than me (and I'm only 5' 4") muttering as she went past about the place being a maze - ah well ... As she was walking. no. mincing away in front of me I watched her as she took very small very fast steps, the Clacking coming from black boots that had like huge 'Cuban heels' on them. The whole make her butt wobbled up and down much more than normal ... I started to think about it when I saw it ...

NOW NOW!!! I was not thinking any naughty thoughts at all! No, I was thinking a clean wholesome thought. Over the years I have tried a lot of different pedometers, you know what I mean, those step counter things. I've always hung them on the waist band of my trousers but I wear loose trousers and the counters just wouldn't work properly. That lass this morning got me wondering whether clipping on to the back pocket of trousers/jeans whether it work properly seeing as has my hips have got steadily worse my hips are wobbling more and more. Might give it a go later if I can find one here in home.

And so to funny ... 

A family that could do with using pedometers.

And for a funny, here's something the Sage sent a few days ago that I had forgotten about ...

Refugees, Somerset floods and two surpised blokes

30 January

There was no chance to get out birding today, far too wet around the Slimbridge area  where we were looking to go. Local it's not all that good either. Kile's other gran who lives are six miles from us left a message on Facebook that it was snowing in her estate. And speaking of Kile ... we are due to have him this coming weekend but with the weather forecast as it is we won't be going out anywhere and he will end up getting bored again, just as he did the last time he was here. We love having him but if he's bored it's not really doing him any favours is it.

So Britain is to take in a couple of hundred Syrian refugees on top of forking out £600 million in aid. I would have more impressed  if the decision had been made months ago before the Prime Muppet was bounced into it by politics. The figure to brought out isn't large but how will they decide which ones to offer to help and which ones they will turn down? A true blue Muppet Person I heard on telly yesterday was saying that as Britain is Christian country we should take just Christian Syrians. That one won't fly! And I'm not surprised it won't.

Something else that the Prime Muppet has been bumped into is sending the army on to help people in Somerset. That should have been done in the first couple of weeks, not a month after towns and villages being cut off by flood water. Reactions were a lot quicker a few years ago when Gloucestershire was hit by floods, but Hull got left out in the water instead.

A question that has been asked over the last few days is, 'Do you feel any better off now then you did were in 2010?' Not such a daft question that you know. Of course the reply as given by which ever Muppet Person you ask will follow party lines, but what does the public reply. The responses I have heard have all been negative. Of course that might actually be down to an editorial decision but certainly the people I know don't feel any better off. Jan and I don't at all.

All of these items seem to show that the government is out of touch with the public. I agree actually, they're are. But so was the last government which was Labour, not Tory. To some extent these people are isolated from those they represent, there's little choice in that seeing as they are in London most of the week. Certainly as Prime Muppet you are even more isolated because of the security issue when he goes off to constituency at any time. Even when he's off on a good will visit to somewhere security is tight. Occasions where a member of the public get at him as did the lady the other week, they lady in Rochdale that seriously harmed Blubbering Brown or the woman who challenged Terrible Tony over health care and GP appointments, are all rare events in deed.

Have you noticed something there? It was all ladies who made the challenges. The only man I of who tried it was the one who throw an egg at John Prescott and got a thump in the face for doing so. I bet surprised him as much as Prescott was surprised at the time.

And so for a photo ... 

Muppet Central at dusk.

And for a funny I offer ...

  Women believe that giving birth must be much more painful than a chap getting kicked in the bollocks.
Well, it's obvious getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a chap say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the bollocks."            

29 January

Yesterday I was very tired, too tired to do much at all. This is happening far too often and it was how my brother Dave was at one time. He had blood test done and they found he had an underactive thyroid gland. Three months when I had my bloods done for diabetic clinic they decided that I would have my thyroid test done again, and that is what I have just got back from having done.

It seems that the Hussy will be in bovver again at the end of the financial year with a £10million deficit. They are making all the normal noises about savings being made and none will effect patient care ... ... ...  It's a story we've all heard before but I for one don't believe them. At some point saving are bound to have an effect on patients somewhere along the line, after all, that's why the hospital is there for, to treat patients not to employ people and save money.

On Sunday while out birding I saw a bird that I can't remember seeing before, a tree pipit is what I finally decided it was from my field guide. However, one of the forums I subscribe to runs a year list for its members and the guy who actually runs it has come back to me to say it's around three months early for  tree pipit. Well, I don't know what it was then. The only thing close to what I saw other than what I claimed is a skylark, but there was no sign of the tuft at the back of the head. Sadly I didn't get a photo of it, I shall do better next time!.

You can find photos everywhere ... 

This one was snapped in Dorktown's 99p store a few weeks ago.

The Sage has spoken ...

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again......Back and forth, back and forth....In and Out... She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end...Her heart was pounding....Her face was flushed....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted......
 
'Ok, Ok!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!'

Banks, Peter James and other writers

27 January

This morning I had to go to the bank because on Saturday after I had drawn £25 worth of petrol, the card terminal wouldn't work; it wouldn't accept my card - very embarrassing. I've also been caught out in not being able to use a couple of the local ATMs as well, down to the way banks have changed their rules. As for Saturday, the problem was that Lloyds had a major IT problem and with the garage using a Lloyds card machine it wasn't able to connect and do the job. BUT ... I only had one card with me so I had to make a quick call to Jan to come down and use her card. However, Jan's card went through OK I've just thought. So what is going on then ... I'll report back when I do finally get some sensible answers.

My NANO effort is still on-going but I have got just over half way through now. The sooner I get that done the sooner I can get on with something else. As a new writer I keep reading about not using clichés in our work. Well, the other day I bought a Peter James book called Dead Letter Drop. I like James but I am disappointed with this one. It's about a MI5 man working in the States and James is very free with the clichés, sometimes using three or four at a time. The overall tone of the book - think of Mike Hammer working for MI5 in the 1980s and you're part way there.

This was James' first novel and it didn't sell, even if WH Smiths did stock it for a time. Another point drummed home time and time again is not use twins in a final twist, but James has done so, and it was clear from early on that was what would happen. I have also used twins in my House of Pain story. The twins in my story are there right at the start and both take part in the story all the way.

Another idea we are advised not use is a large lottery win as a final twist. Well, in Finding Our Way I use a lottery win from early on, not as a way of getting the goodie out of fix at the end.  So how do some writers get away with such no-nos that are not acceptable from new writers. The number of errors I find some books is really disappointing too.

Time for a photo ... 

A mute swan at Brandon on Saturday

And a funny ...

 A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."